HOW TO STOP ASKING, “HOW ARE YOU?” AND CREATE REAL CONVERSATION

 A great post by Leadership Freak!

Stop asking stupid questions like:

1. How are you?
2. How are you doing?
3. How are you feeling?

You already know how people are doing. The future feels like mushy spaghetti.

Answers to, “How are you?” sound inane because they are. What’s worse than “Fine”?

What if “How are you?” comes from your heart. Chances of connecting are like a forecast of rain in the Sahara.

Better questions:

1. What are you working on?
2. What’s next on your agenda?
3. What challenges are you facing?
4. What’s working for you?
5. What’s new in your life?
6. What are you looking forward to?
7. What would you like to get done today?

Noticing:

“Open your eyes before you open your mouth.”

“Let’s say you’re talking to the CEO of a large, iconic company who is about to retire, and you noticed a row of empty boxes along the wall of the CEO’s office. You might start with the question, “How hard is it for you to leave this job?” Gary Burnison, CEO, KORN FERRY

Last interaction:

I’ve been imagining that I’m having my last interaction. (I keep my imagining to myself.) What would you ask or notice if this was your last interaction with someone?

The advantages of a ‘last interaction’ approach:

1. Deep listening.
2. Noticing expressions and gestures.
3. Responding with genuine interest.

I ask about people’s stories when I imagine it’s my last interaction. Recently I asked someone about the first teacher they remember from elementary school.

In another conversation I asked, “What was your most embarrassing moment?” You could ask, “What was your proudest moment?”

How might you have authentic conversations?

What’s the value of having authentic conversations?

10 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE IN A SPIRITUAL RUT

A challenging post by Chuck Lawless.    Read it and be honest with yourself!

It happens to most of us – we deal with spiritual ruts at some point in our lives. 

Here are some signs to see if you’re in one now.

1. You read the Word, but it’s only a “check-the-box” perfunctory reading. You do it because you know you’re supposed to, not because you want to.
2. You pray, but your prayer is brief and repetitive. It’s lost any real sense of relationship between you and God.
3. You can’t readily talk about what God’s been teaching you lately. That’s because you haven’t been in the best spiritual condition to learn from Him.
4. You feel “spiritually tired.” I don’t know how else to describe it: you just feel blah about your spiritual walk.
5. You’ve not shared the gospel with anyone for a long time. That happens when we’re in a rut—our attention to evangelism gets diverted.
6. You go to church, but with no sense of excitement or anticipation. You’re still faithful Sunday after Sunday – and you might even serve each week – but you have no expectation that worship will move your heart.
7. You’re less sensitive to the Spirit’s conviction when you’re under temptation. It used to be that you turned to God and fled temptation quickly; you still fight temptation today, but with less zeal.
8. All of your testimony relates to what God has done in the past, with no present-tense stories of God’s work in your life. All the high points of your spiritual growth have been in your yesterdays. Today is just routine.
9. You find yourself less interested in hanging out with other believers. Fellowship has become routine, so it doesn’t motivate you to join with others.
10. Your spiritual walk is on autopilot. You do what you’re expected to do as a Christian, but you’re just going through the motions.

Are you in a spiritual rut? Tell us how we might pray for you.

AN ESSENTIAL THAT SKILL THAT FUELS SUCCESS

A good post from Dan Rockwell

It’s natural to consider your own concerns. It’s leadership to reflect on the concerns of others.

The dripping faucet of others is opportunity for perspective taking.

Perspective taking – an essential but neglected skill – enables success.

Concerns:

Deadlines, personnel issues, and pressing problems are dripping faucets for leaders. It’s short-sighted and self-defeating to think you don’t get paid to share those concerns.

Usually the boss brings up pressing problems and deadlines, for example. But perspective takers bring up dripping faucets first.

Refresh your boss by respecting their dripping faucets. The corporate team doesn’t want sympathy.

Their dripping faucet is your opportunity.

(If you can’t share the concerns of your boss, you’re in the wrong organization.)

“An essential component of communicative competence in a pluralistic social world…is our capacity to adopt the perspectives of different others” Rommetevit

Perspective:

Take the perspective of the boss, even if you aren’t the boss.

1. Practice curiosity. Learn to see how others see by using gentle inquiry.
2. Listen a bit longer. Answer a bit slower. Quick answers may feel more like disrespect than concern.
3. Say, “I’ve got that.” Who experiences more fulfillment? The tight fist or the open hand?
4. Inquire about personal concerns. “How’s your mom doing?”

Dedicate yourself to see life as others see it. You don’t have to agree. You just have to acknowledge.

Taking perspective enables you to contribute more and take less.

A narrow lens leads to a small room.

The ability to take the perspective of others multiplies opportunity.

Busy:

You’re too busy to practice perspective taking. But lack of perspective taking might create unnecessary busyness.

Perspective taking questions:

1. What’s on your mind?
2. What’s important to you about this?
3. What important issues are you facing?

Be the person people love to see come and hate to see go.

What hinders perspective taking?

How might you practice perspective taking today?

Bonus material:

Perspective Taking (Lifehack)

The Power of Perspective Taking (PT)

THE 5 POWERS OF SHARED COMMITMENT

Another great post by Dan Rockwell

A leader who refuses to call for shared commitment embraces pointless turmoil.

An inability to create shared commitments propels you toward frantic mediocrity. The doorway to meaningful achievement swings on the hinges of commitment.

Teams rise to the height of their shared commitments.

Few to many:

There are few commitments and many decisions. “We’ll always seek the best interest of others,” is a commitment. How to practice commitments is the place where decision-making happens.

Shared commitment defines the meaning of your leadership.

You don’t need complete certainty, but you do need commitment.

5 powers of shared commitment:

1. Strengthens connection:

Shared commitment forces people to depend on each other. You appreciate individual strengths and contributions when everyone’s in the same boat.

There’s a “we-ness” to shared commitments.

2. Eliminates petty competition: 

Shared commitment allows us to celebrate when someone on the team outshines us. Those who avoid shared commitments have a personal agenda.

3. Simplifies decisions:

Shared commitment establishes direction. Decision-making is about how to get there, not where to go. When you commit to serve customers first, for example, direction is set. Many decisions follow.

4. Energizes creativity: 

The uncommitted find fault to justify their lack of commitment and promote their own agenda. The power of shared commitment is it drives teams to find ways to move the agenda forward.

Don’t tolerate uncommitted team members. 100% isn’t necessary, but 100% commitment is.

Those who aren’t committed find fault. Those who are committed find a way.

#5. Enables self-evaluation: 

Unwillingness to make commitments is an open door to gullibility. We evaluate ourselves and the course of our leadership based on commitment.

Beginning:

Calling for commitment begins when you help people understand and pursue what THEY want. Shared commitment capitalizes on individual values.

Compliance is forced. Commitment is freely given.

What are the advantages/disadvantages of shared commitment?

How might leaders create shared commitment on teams?

Bonus material:

Relationship Between Commitment and Creativity: a Multi-focal Approach (Academia)

MANAGING HOTHEADS IS LIKE HANDLING RATTLE SNAKES

A helpful post from Dan Rockwell.

Dealing with hotheads is like handling rattle snakes. It’s thrilling if you have proper training and equipment.

Three hot-heads on a team are better than one seething manipulator.

Hotheads express their concerns. Seething backstabbers are like the Energizer Bunny. They keep going and going, but you might never discover their real concerns.

Hotheads tell you what they want. Backstabbers might never tell you what they want and then hold it against you when you don’t give it.

4 reasons people lose their temper:

1. It’s natural. Hot headed leaders blow up quickly and move on just as quickly.

2. It’s bullying. Bullying leaders use anger to pressure people into compliance.

3. It’s unmet need. You need to feel heard, but no one listens – eventually you blow.

Unmet emotional needs eventually find expression in hot emotion.

4. It’s timidity. When people don’t speak up, issues build up until they blow up.

Natural hotheads:

In another life, I worked for a hothead. He got red in the face and yelled when things didn’t go right. In a short time he acted like nothing happened.  My hotheaded boss knew what he wanted and he was decisive.  Natural hotheads are naturally passionate.  I wonder if removing his quick temper might have neutered him.

Hotheads can learn to manage outbursts, but bulging veins and tight lips get their message across. 

Managing rattle snakes:

1. Engage in constructive conversations after hotheads cool down. An outburst opens the door to discuss any tough topic.
2. Acknowledge that hotheads care deeply. How might you better leverage their passion?
3. Teach people to use the duck method. Let outbursts roll off your back. When my hotheaded boss went off, I ignored him.

Leadership development is not just adding another programme!

A great post by Mac Lake - Thanks for being real!

Just Add Water

Those church leaders who are seeking to get better at leadership development tend to look for a “just add water” solution.

“Give me the right program to add to my church.” Or “Give me the right curriculum to add to my ministry.” In other words, give me something so I only have to put in minimal effort.  But the level of difficulty of leadership development isn’t the problem.

Leadership development isn’t difficult. How hard is it to have someone read an article, observe you in action, ask some debrief questions, and then let them give it a try themselves?

The problem is leadership development is messy. And we don’t like that.

Potential leaders come in with different backgrounds, various levels of competency, and their own set of questions.

Their schedules don’t always line up perfectly with ours. They don’t always “get it’ the first time you tell them. You spot character issues you must address. They forget to do their homework. They ask you a question about something you already taught them!  I could go on.

This approach to leadership development isn’t a “just add water” scenario.
So what are the ingredients for developing a leader?

• A big dose of patience and understanding
• An abundant helping of questions 
• Add a lot of time
• Several servings of failure
• And a small pinch of sharing your expertise. 
• Then cook til ready.

You can’t just add water and magically produce a highly competent leader. Each person is unique. Our role is to guide them toward maximizing their God-given calling as a leader. 

4 WAYS TO TAME THE STRESS MONSTER

A Great post by Dan Rockwell!

Stress isn’t a germ you catch from an uncovered sneeze. Stress isn’t a thing. Scientists examine the results of stress, but they can’t examine stress itself.

Stress is a monster that rises inside you.

 4 ways to tame the stress monster:

#1. Understand stress.

Stress is deadly because it’s cumulative.

A friend of mine in banking notices that people are losing it more quickly these days. When you’re stressed about politics, racism, job security, and a pandemic, small things light you up.

You’re stressed because you:

1. Care but aren’t sure what to do.
2. Feel responsible but powerless. If you feel relaxed when the house is on fire, its probably not your house.
3. Try to control things beyond your control.

Stress is inside you, not out there.

#2. Find your power.

Feeling weak is stressful.

Stress is about what you CAN’T do. Power is about what you CAN do.

The ability to choose is at the heart of feeling powerful.

The most important choices are about attitude and response. There are always choices.

#3. Choose how to show up.

Stress is your powerless self saying, “I can’t.”

Show up to care. What does your caring self tell you to do next?

Show up with empathy. How might you show empathy to others? You might be surprised to know that empathy for others lowers stress in you.

#4. Choose to connect.

Stress hates it when you connect with others. I’m learning to seek advice from many sources when the stress monster grips my thinking.

The problem with advice – when you’re stressed – is it usually sounds stupid.

Stress makes you stupid. While stressed, the creative part of your brain shuts down. The best you have are fight, flight, or freeze.

Pay attention when trusted advisors say, “You don’t want to do that.”

Stress invites you to matter less.

What stresses you out?

What suggestions might you offer for taming the stress monster?

Bonus material:

8 Tips for Dealing with the Stress of Leadership (CCL)

10 Ways Strong Leaders Manage Stress (ManagerSkills)

How Chronic Stress Changes the Brain – and What you can do to Reverse the Damage (TheConversation)